Red Mountain Resort & Spa (Utah)

Recently I was watching a TV program and one of the characters asked his partner why life is so complicated. The response was that humans seem to want to make their lives complicated. This simple answer struck me as such a profound truth. There really is a strong temptation to fill our lives with worries, anxiety, and stress, much of which we produce ourselves, and then wallow in it while complaining that life is sooooo complicated. I have certainly been guilty of this over the years, but I have been making a serious effort in the last few months to reduce the need to control the people and situations in my life. Here is what I have been working on that you might find useful.

First, I have been noticing how often I create extra drama and swirl. For any challenging situation that arises in life, I realize there are the actual facts of the situation and then there are the extra stories, fears, and negative self-talk I add to the situation. For example, when I make a mistake, there are the circumstances that give rise to the actual error but then there is all the replaying the circumstances in my head and out loud to friends and family, as well as the beating myself up. My new strategy is to focus on the actual facts - what went wrong, how can I make things right, and what will I do in the future to prevent a repeat of the mistake. That is it - I try to stop myself from retelling the story, dwelling on the error, and making it a big deal. I just drop it and move on, and no one seems to miss my neurotic obsession with what went wrong.

Second, I am letting go of trying to fix or solve other people. I think I finally understand how futile this effort is. We really do not know what life path someone else needs to travel to learn his or her lessons. It is actually quite egotistical to think otherwise. Plus, when we spend out precious time and energy to get other people to do what we think they should do, we ignore the work that needs to be done on ourselves. I think this may be on purpose - it seems to be easier to focus on someone else than to turn the focus inward. Yet the only way we can impact someone else is to model healthy self-care behavior, and if someone asks us what we are doing and seems truly ready to listen, then we can share the tools and strategies that are working in our lives. Modeling and sharing, rather than judging and lecturing, are the tools I have found useful to stop butting into other people's lives.

Third, I am amazed at how much time we can spend worrying about what other people think of us and our choices in life. Two major ah-has have allowed me to let go of this worry. One is that we can't know why someone reacts negatively to what we are doing or saying. Everyone filters what they observe through their own lens and life experiences. When someone should be happy for our good fortune, in fact people often react from jealousy or their own fears or phobias. This does not mean we should not be happy or pursue our dreams. The other realization is that most people really do not spend much time thinking about what we are doing. We do not play the lead role in others people's lives - they rarely have the time and energy to fixate on us. And if they do, they need to read the previous paragraph and learn to live and let live. I hope you find these ideas useful in creating a less complicated and more carefree life!

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