Canyon Ranch (Arizona)
Experts agree that all those public-service commercials are right on. Children whose parents talk with them openly about important topics tend to make better choices and grow up more safely. But it's not always easy for parents and children to talk. Building trust for honest communication takes time and energy.

Against their better judgment, some parents ignore things their kids say and do rather than face possible conflict. Other parents grew up in families where important topics were rarely discussed, so they don't have models for having the type of conversation that's needed. Nonetheless, it's up to parents to learn to talk with their children.

The big, important, life-or-death conversations about topics like sex, alcohol and drugs probably won't go that well, though, if parents haven't been conversing with their kids all along. Communication within a family is about paying affectionate, respectful attention to each other day in and day out - whether what's being said is important or not.

What parents can do
Even on the busiest days, parents can keep in mind a few communication tips. Sometimes it's the little things that help to build potentially lifesaving connections that will hold through the sometimes difficult adolescent years.

Use drive-time effectively
Many parents complain endlessly about the time they spend driving kids to and from school, practices and events, but all that driving around is actually a great, relaxed opportunity for daily communication. For it to happen, there need to be a couple of rules for the car: Onboard entertainment systems, iPods and video games are only for long drives or especially stressed-out times, and everybody stays off the cell phone. (This is good traffic-safety practice, anyway. Distracted drivers are bad drivers.)

Riding in the car is perfect time to talk for all kinds of reasons - you're in a comfortable, familiar environment, physically close and with nothing much to do. You're not making eye contact, which may make it easier for a child to bring up troubling or potentially embarrassing subjects. Don't expect deep conversations all the time, though - you're just together, chatting, and that's good. Encourage your child to talk about his day, or talk about interesting things you see as you drive along, or about what you're hearing on the radio.

Talk with your children - not at them
Do you like being lectured to? Of course not. No one does - and that includes your child. Often, parents are so anxious about teaching kids what they think they need to know, and about steering them down the right path, that they behave like teachers. Children spend plenty of time listening to teachers at school - they don't need non-stop instruction at home.

If you'd like your child to talk to you more, try listening to yourself. Do you make the same point over and over again? Are you overbearing? Do you nag? As with so much else in life, we treat each others the way we'd like to be treated.

Listen
One of the hardest things about having small children is listening to their virtually endless stream of talk, but if you don't pay attention and show that you're listening, you're creating barriers to communication later. You don't have to hang on every word, but try not to completely tune out that never-ending stream of lively chatter. Ask a question now and then, even if a somewhat confused account of a TV show or a playground game is of no interest to you. When you do treat your child this way, you're teaching her manners, and the rudiments of conversational give and take - and that you care what she has to say. There's nothing more important that you can possibly communicate.

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